~a column by Colleen O’Brien
Now that a few frightened people have become crazed about having to wear a mask to protect other people from the possibility of the unmasked having a deadly virus, I fear some of us are on the verge of going way off the deep end. Or maybe I should say that some of us have already fallen off the end of the diving board.
One would think that those wearing the masks would be the angry people, angry at those who could be infecting them with their unmasked, unprotected noses and mouths. But, strangely, it is those who are open-faced who are, well, pissed off. Why?
It’s difficult for some of us quiet, sheep-like followers who wear masks, as opposed to the more vociferous bull-like freedom shouters who won’t wear masks, to understand the outrage. But I was recently reminded it has to do with anyone telling anyone else what to do in this country of extraordinary individual need for independence. We celebrate our Independence Day with firecrackers, for heaven’s sake; how could we be other than belligerently independent at all costs? We are taught our rights from a very loud platform from a very early age.
Because of this divide in our country of divisions, I’ve come up with suggestions, so do not despair that this is an unsolvable problem for you mask-wearers being attacked at Home Depot and you non-mask-wearers having to shove restaurant owners out of the way so you can get your avocado toast.
If on entering, or leaving, the Home Depot, you are accosted by a raging free-facer, hand him or her – or throw it at him or her and run – the mask you will now be carrying in your pocket for this occasion. The mask will paraphrase Dr Seuss, whom everyone loves, so the situation will be defused – you, the non-masker will have to laugh; you, the masker, will have to hope that he or she laughs:
“I will wear my mask here or there
I will social distance everywhere.”
If you don’t want to make your own, you can buy it online.
If you are the beleaguered restaurant owner, just tell the freedom-loving possible germ carrying non-masker that you will be delighted to invite him into your restaurant without a mask if he will also remove his shirt and shoes.
I’ve thought about wearing a mask that talks when I pull a string, like that annoying “Chatty Cathy” doll my daughter loved. I’m can’t recall what Chatty had to say, but my mask will quack out a “Stay back! I’m contagious!” Or “Beware of me, I cough!” And I particularly like “I have a fever!”
Any one of these statements would be a lie, but nobody would know that. Besides, we are taught by our main leader that lying is how we get where we need to go. If getting into my local Home Depot without sideways looks, verbal bashing and the occasional physical attack, I will lie with impunity. And stand by it, by God, even if questioned by the sly reporter hanging about vestibules of hardware stores in hopes of a frontpage story.
T-shirts might be more appropriate for messages regarding our blind faith in science because a tee has more room to explain the inexplicable to those who know what they know and who want no one to alter that knowing. Perhaps a longer message can make inroads into that recalcitrance that a pithy statement can’t. We could have an entire paragraph on the back of our tees, readable from six feet, that says something like:
“Please consider science when you refuse the mask. Do you take aspirin for the occasional hangover? Does your grandma use oxygen? Did you have a C-section or use gas to deliver your children? Do you drive a car? Or do you rely on horse and buggy? The mask is just another scientific breakthrough that will make your life, not to mention mine, easier.”
Or, if you like a ditty, a short poem to interest the reader:
“Please don’t ask
Just wear the mask
Or I’ll have to kick YOU
In the ass.”
Everything about not wearing a mask is a made-up wrangle to deflect us from paying attention to the pillage of our democracy. We have an orderly society of social justice for everybody when we calm down, think of the other, spread a little joy and give compassion so we can get compassion. All we have to do is think about a few social norms and laws going into the toilet – the givens that we all like: clean air, pure water, safe food, good housing – rules that guard these givens are being slyly wiped off the books while we fight about masks!
Those simple laws that are written to keep us in clean air and water, those rules that civilize us, halt the greed for getting ahead that lies in all of us, the idea that when we behave at intersections because of a couple of simple rules instead of all of us just plunging ahead, we all make it through the madness at Highway 4 and Russell Street.
Wearing a mask is the same thing.
Think about it, the wearing of mask, if not the deeper subjects. You can take it off when you’re away from others, when you’re in your car, when you’re in your home, when you’re walking in the woods or pulling weeds in your backyard. Freedom still reigns, even when you mask. It’s just a small, polite thing to do that saves lives, like the rule about stopping at the stoplight. It doesn’t hurt you at all. Or your freedoms. Leave the maskers alone and just mask. Think of others, not just yourself. Be kind instead of crabby! Life is short enough as it is; belligerence might bring on a heart attack.
