~a column by Colleen O’Brien
I ran across an old column of mine from August 17, 1984. Thirty-two years ago, I was 41. The column headline questioned “Doomed to wrinkles?” I had to read it because I thought I might have been prescient or capable of foreshadowing. Or perhaps I was a seer.
The whole thing is about wrinkles and how to prevent them. The column goes on a bit about an article I’d read and how to keep the wrinkles at bay, a monumental task I decided not to indulge in.
Would that I had, but from what I know now, those wrinkles were going to come, willy nilly. If I had superb genes and was not Irish (the Irish are never supposed to be in the sun or live in a climate where it doesn’t mist 94 percent of the time), I might have had a chance. But all the wrinkle creams in the world could not have saved me from the American weather I chose to live in — the sunny southwest, a sunny mountaintop and the sunny southeast. Had I stayed in Iowa for the duration, I would have been better off, for Iowa weather has a bit of the gloom and moisture to it: nice for the skin.
Alas, I beached and skied and wore a hat that did absolutely no good. My daughter told me to just think about how much fun I had getting the wrinkles, so, often I do that. As well as avoid looking in the mirror too much. Sometimes when I come across a mirror unexpectedly, especially in full daylight, I think I’m meeting a stranger in my bathroom. And do you ever catch that frightful glimpse of your half profile in the side mirror of your car? Now, she’s a scary person.
Halfway through the column, a subhead reads: “With these few exercises I shall revive my youth and keep it.” THIS I’ve got to read, I think. It’s surely better than the creams and lotions and potions routine.
From a “Prevention” magazine, I tell my readers that I learned that to keep my firm face and smooth skin, all I have to do is place my fingers under my cheek bones and gently push up; this will eliminate bags under eyes. I am to do this whenever I am bored or have a moment. The next thing is to place my index and middle fingers just under my eyebrow bones and gently exert pressure; then do this all around both eyes. This will prevent crow’s feet and that baggy hood of eyelid hanging down over one’s eyelashes. The next thing is the yoga exercise called the “Tiger”: eyes wide, tongue out as far as possible, neck muscles strained. This tones everything from the collar bone up.
I think the catch there was that one had to do this several times a day for the rest of her life, not just that one day she read the magazine.
So here I am three decades later actually looking three decades older. What a surprise.
